last week -- a more grounded review

A quick note to fill in a few blanks from last week's post. First, I am getting back to my normal self as the emotional strain from last week is releasing itself.

The search was one of the roughest I've experienced. Looking for two teenagers, suspecting the worst while hoping it is only a prank, has its toll. In addition, it was a high-profile search: our staging area was swarming with media, family, friends, and curious onlookers. It was also my first time being involved in the management side of a real search. On Wednesday, I was on site from 4:30 am until 10:45 pm, dealing with search management issues.

Throughout my years working on the search team, I have learnt that I am often proficient at blocking out emotions during these events. This allows me to think and act calmly. Essentially, I hide in an objective "shell" and guard myself from emotions during the event. Though I hate to say it in such cold language, it can almost feel like I am playing a game at times. In many ways, this is an advantage for the lost person. While it does not remove the sense of urgency from the event, it allows for clear thinking and (hopefully) sound judgement. A sense of responsibility, rather than one of frantic compassion, ensures thoroughness and efficiency of one's actions. I believe that this response is enhanced by the training. Having practised what to do, over and over, one's mind is able to focus on the actual doing.

When the search is over, however, the reality of the outcome -- especially if it is a negative one -- begins to percolate into my thinking. Last week, instead of slowly removing my protective shell, it was smashed violently by the reality around me. Suddenly it was over. Family and friends, dozens of them, were consoling each other in front of the media and other onlookers. The fire department had counsellors helping them handle their grief. Paramedics were present, monitoring those who were responding to the news more traumatically. Onlookers gathered to watch the body bags be transferred from the boats to the trucks. The medical examiner was milling around in search of the that site, since it was at a different location than the staging area of the search. I found myself watching all this, walking around, wanting to help, but knowing that there were trained and qualified people already doing that, and realizing that I would be in the way. I did not want to stare, but I did not want to do nothing either. There was still plenty to do on site, however, and it did not take long for a fury activity to return to the site. As it turned out, it was not until about 3 hours after the conclusion that I got home, was able to stop, and shed my first tear.

That brief pause that I took to look around me, however, the snap-shot of hysteria and realization, still engulfs for brief moments. In the last few days, it has been the processing of those images that has occupied my thoughts. The hard part is knowing not to ignore these impulses of emotion, and to deal with them and talk about them. For this, I am express immeasureable gratitude to Allie, without whom such traumatic events would be too much to handle.

...

Today, after having had a few days to consider what happened, I am starting to feel better. The search community, which included the fire department, the police department (both municipal and federal), the Department of Natural Resources, and volunteer search teams from across the province, performed exceptionally well together. Everybody was concerned and wanted to find the missing teenagers, nobody was doing anything for their ego. We did the best we could and gave all we could, which made the initial internal response harsh. Everyone is aware, however, that there is nothing we could have done to change the outcome. This was a traumatic event for two families, a community of young individuals, and local society, and we did what we could to alleviate that trauma.

The funerals for the two boys will be held today. While I cannot attend, I will be thinking of them, their family, and their peers.